96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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