My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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