youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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