he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize