Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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