I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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