My liver just broke up with me...
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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