The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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