tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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