Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
