This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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