His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
