Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
