i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
