haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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