Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
