somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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