I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
