he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
