cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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