On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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