Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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