Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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