Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
