Swine flu. Run for my life!
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
