Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
These tits shall not be calmed
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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