I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Randomize
