Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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