Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
