I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Randomize
