Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
