Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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