I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
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