i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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