Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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