Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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