you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
