My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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