you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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