im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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