Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
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