Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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