I think im going to throw up on grandma
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
