would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I think people are normalizing furries
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
