Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
