he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
