I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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