Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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