YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
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