i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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